Red and Blue makes Purple

I don't know why I'm writing this, perhaps it's because I've just had a barrage of sulky abuse from my son and heir and am feeling alone. No-one really understands the frustrations of raising a child with ADHD unless they do it. The pressure I feel to present him to the outside world in a positive way is huge and always has been. This pressure is mainly because society is very black and white or red and blue, whatever the contrast - if you're primarily perceived as one thing, that first impression will define you. There is truth in the expression 'mud sticks', and my teenage son is not 'red' or 'blue' - he's 'complicated' and needs patience to be understood. My son likes to make a good impression upon others (he’s confessed to ‘manipulating’ people in order to ‘get’ stuff – admiration, sweets, money – any attention), so he’s nearly always charming, which helps, but the downside of that is that people only see one side of him and minimize his diagnosis. To them, he's 'red' not 'blue', when really he's both, to extremes.
The reality is he finds it difficult to take responsibility for anything - his appearance, his work, his self-esteem, even taking his meds. He's almost 15 and other people don’t see me MAKING him brush his teeth, wash, put deodorant on, cut his nails, change his clothes so he doesn’t smell, counsel him, lock the kitchen cupboard so he doesn’t overeat (he finds it difficult to stop eating and was once sick because he’d eaten so much), monitor him on the Internet, make him do his homework, I tutor him daily to help him through exams although he doesn’t want it – even though he’s failing at school, he feels he’s OK and is sulky, aggressive and rude when I try and help him. Despite this, we do try and give him freedom, but we have to be careful because he’s impulsive and doesn’t have much of a sense of danger. So this is where his mobile phone is great, only he uses up his credit on sending pointless texts to his friends instead of keeping it to ring us in an emergency! Sigh... His medication has improved things so much – he’s a lot happier and less impulsive, he thinks more now and is willing to have friends and let them take the spotlight for a moment. It’s easier to let him go out. Before medication, he would get into fights, endanger himself and be very aggressive and depressed. We still have these times, but not like before, although he steals money and food from us and he breaks stuff through anger. We teach him the same basic rules every day and he still forgets them or chooses to ignore them. His room is always disgusting, even though we make him tidy it for health reasons on a regular basis – he hates us for that but as he’s on the autistic spectrum as well, we need to instill basic life skills – I don’t want him to have a negative self-image and low self-esteem. So I cook with him, he can iron, he recycles, takes the rubbish and comes shopping with me - budgeting, reading sell-by dates and nutritional values.
The practical support we can give him is easy really although time-consuming. The psychological and emotional implications of his ADHD and ASD are harder to bear, for him, his sisters and for us.
When he winds his sisters up or swears at and threatens them or tells them he wishes they were dead – I could cry with utter sadness. This is not the picture of family life I had. At the worst moments, I imagine for a split second what life would be like without him – and I'm ashamed - I die inside a little each time, because, despite all of this, I love him with every last breath of me. At the best moments, he’s happily chuntering on about his latest obsession, he makes me laugh till I cry, he’s thoughtful, helpful and charming, respectful and polite. A lynchpin of our family. I'm so proud of him, his achievements and skills. At these times I see the man he can be – the amazing potential in him and I will never let him give up on fulfilling that. It's all I can do when at times I feel so helpless and hopeless - I have to slog on, because he'll have to everyday of his life and if he's going to learn one thing from me, it's going to be NOT to give up.